Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sat Mar 25, 2006 at 04:41:21 pm EST
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And here's Alcheman #30, Part One
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I'm loitering in the chatroom again if anyone is about
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killer shrike makes use of an empty house
Sat Mar 25, 2006 at 01:36:51 pm EST
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The Adventures of Alcheman #30


“The Big Bad Battle Issue”


Akiko Masamune was under attack.

Not directly, of course. And not in any way that truly threatened the stability of her criminal empire. So far her opponents had targeted the seamier aspects of her Manga Town operations: the illegal Yu-Ghi-Oh! gambling dens, the transforming robot chop shops, the tentacle porn web cams, endeavors that, while profitable, were hardly politically or economically fundamental.

Still, any assault on Manga Town was an assault on her. Given the current climate, Akiko could not let any slight go unchallenged. A counter-strike would be implemented, after gathering the necessary intelligence.

“It’s been confirmed; Trickshot is indeed one of the attackers,” Akiko’s aide relayed the information she had received through her Bluetooth, “Witnesses spotted his sky bike leaving the Pokemon delicatessen right before the roof caved in.”

“Thank you, Midori. Have there been any other Legion sightings?”

“No, mistress,” the young woman reported dutifully.

One member of the squad of armored men that ringed Akiko’s desk spoke, “Those superheroes are not so foolish to openly defy you again, most honored one.”

Akiko gave the kow-towing lieutenant a level stare, “It would appear, then, Tetsume, that the archer has assigned himself to another collection of foolish superheroes.”

As if in response to the crimelord’s observation alarm klaxons began to screech throughout the facility.

“Gas attack!” Midori warned, but before she could reach the control panel to seal the office vents there was a buzz of ozone and a blinding flash. To her dismay, her earpiece and PDA sorted, cutting off her lifeline to the world outside.

Akiko’s bodyguards were having their own difficulties; every circuit in their battlesuits suddenly fused. They clattered to the floor noisily like a set of titanium-plated ten pins. Their mistress did not bat an eye as her protectors tumbled, focusing instead on the figure responsible, who had assumed corporal form in the center of the room.

“Electromagnetic pulse?” she asked him.

Alcheman nodded, “Yes, I- ow!”

Midori landed a vicious kick to the Elemental Adventurer’s ribs, staggering him. With a snarl she leapt onto him and began gouging at his eyes, “Run, mistress! I will hold him off!”

“Wait! Ah! I don’t wish to- yow!” Michael covered his face and spun around blindly in a futile attempt to remove the hissing virago from his back.

“Yield, Midori,” Akiko said. The slim personal assistant reluctantly acquiesced, relinquishing her grip on Michael’s hair and moving to stand behind her employer.

“Er, thank you,” Alcheman said as he adjusted his mask.

There was an awkward pause, “You haven’t answered my question,” the Yakuza oyabun prompted.

“Hm? Oh, yes. I can create a localized EMP field by simulating the Compton Effect via the gamma irradiation of air molecules.”

Akiko nodded at the hero’s explanation, “A creative use of your powers, Mister Wooster. Your limits may very well be your own imagination.”

Michael gaped at the pink clad crime boss, “Whu-ah, ah, you know? How?!”

“A mutual acquaintance of ours let it slip at a luncheon. Miss Von Zemo.”

The Chemical Crimefighter’s face hardened, “Zemo,” he seethed.

“The family tends to foster that type of reaction, don’t they? Now, I’m to take it by your appearance here you’re your team’s chosen representative to issue whatever ultimatum you have?”

Alcheman blinked several times, still processing the knowledge that the world’s premier gang leader, the woman he was attempting to pressure into compliance, was aware of his true identity, “Yes. Ahm, we are looking for information on who kidnapped a pair of, ah, my sister and another woman, from Paradopolis State Penitentiary.”

“HERPES abducted them,” Masamune noted, “It was on the six o’ clock news.”

“The report also said an unidentified group of Asian mercenaries helped with the abduction.”

“And you thought that they were connected to my organization because we may share an ethnic background? How racist,” Akiko tutted.

Michael’s face turned beet red, “No! I mean to say, while I understand our line of thinking could be construed as such, it is based on, um, sound…”

The oyuban mercifully put an end to the man’s guilt-ridden dithering, “As it so happens, I am aware of the culprit’s identity. In fact, I can tell you who they are, where they are, and why they have captured your sister and her bodyguard.”

Midori noted that Akiko refrained from telling the hero of her own close ties with Chiaki Bushido, the other prisoner taken.

“Really? Good, good,” Michael relaxed, “Then we have a deal? The Joy Corps will desist in our attacks on your criminal empire in exchange for the information.”

Akiko Masamune smiled thinly, “I’m afraid further negotiations will be necessary, Mister Wooster.”

“I don’t have time to negoatiate,” Alcheman replied, unconsciously tracing his fingers along his tattooed biceps.

“Then this won’t be complicated. I require a favor from you, to be fulfilled at a later date.”

“No,” the Chemical Crimefighter seemed to have found his spine, “I’m not going to agree to be indebted to you in some nebulous future obligation.”

“You have me confused with the Hooded Hood, Mister Wooster. I will tell you my terms,” Akiko spoke instructions to her assistant in their native tongue. Smirking, Midori left to gather something from her mistress’s study, “I have a cousin,” Midori returned with a framed photo which she smugly handed to Alcheman. It was a candid portrait of a smiling, pixie-faced Japanese girl, “Ai Yokozuna. She will be matriculating at Paradopolis University this semester. As it will be her first time in the United States, Ai will need an appropriate escort around the city. Someone powerful, trustworthy, and forthright.”

Michael was nonplussed, “You want me to be your cousin’s chaperone?”

“At this moment I can think of no one more suitable.”

“It’s an odd request,” Alcheman observed.

“You leave here with your objections achieved, despite your amateurish efforts to bully me. Consider yourself fortunate that all I require from you is a few hours of your free time,” Akiko said severely, any trace of good humor in her tone long gone, “Misses Wooster and Bushido have been taken to Spider Skull Island, a Pacific atoll cohabited by HERPES and the forces of the Brass Bushi.”

“Do you have the island’s coordinates?”

“Yes. And a breakdown of its defenses. In fact, once the phone are working again Midori will contact my pilot and he can brief you personally.”

“Tha’t very magnanimous of you,” Michael said. It appeared Trickshot’s plan had worked, albeit not without a few swerves.

Akiko shrugged, “It costs me nothing to do so. I have no interest in taking part in the Bushi’s foolish ceremony.”

Alcheman grew worried, “What ceremony?”

*****


“How is the prime rib, Origami-San?” the Brass Bushi asked his honored guest.

The Master of the Folding Arts chewed thoughtfully, “A bit stringy,” he adjudged, though that didn’t stop him from accepting another slab from the geisha-costumed server, “Best to have Kobe beef at these affairs, really. Though if that is out of your price range, I can understand substituting… Argentinean, is it?”

“Yes,” Toshiro Makazawai conceded through gritted teeth, “Thank you so much for sharing your gastronomical expertise.”

“Don’t mention it,” Otomo Osamu headed over to the steaming tray that held the bacon-wrapped shrimp. Toshiro chose not to follow the head of the Ass-Raping Ninjas Student Loan Collection Agency, instead turning his attention to another, more honored guest.

“Molestro. I trust all is well?” Toshiro bowed.

The sallow-skinned, hooded-eyed, forked bearded inscrutably devious master criminal withdrew his gnarled hand from the sleeve of his robe to examine its talons, “It is as it is to be expected,” he non-committed.

“Have the rest of the Society settled in?”

“Yes. Doctor Panda thanks you for the bamboo gift basket. However, Ten Story Tiki is displeased with his accommodations. He’d rather be facing the volcano, if possible.”

“My servants will relocate him immediately. I see Ghangster Khan and Naughty Sakura Thrillkill are getting along well,” the Bushi pointed to the couple sharing an opium pipe in the bonsai garden.

“Hm. It would do Sakura well to keep her wits about her when fraternizing with the Mongol; he is a cannibal, after all.”

“You’re joking,” the last thing Toshiro needed at his gala was one of the honored guests to become part of the banquet.

“Molestro the Mirthless never jokes,” the leader of the Sinister Oriental Stereotypes declared, “Just as he never associate with those white devils,” he pointed a longish nail to the trio of figures conferring by the sake’ fountain.

Toshiro lapsed into his native tongue, “The Fokker twins share the island with me. It would have been rude not to invite them. As for the Russian, he has his uses.”

“We are well aware of Factor X’s credentials,” Molestro noted dourly, “he is a glad-handing huckster.”

It was the Brass Bushi’s time to turn an oblique phrase, “Perhaps, but what may seem inconsequential can in fact change destinies.”

“Of course,” Molestro nodded his approval at the drivel, then swanned away.

“Toshiro!” came an exuberant voice from behind him. The ronin turned to see Factor X heading towards him. The tall, august looking gentleman with the pencil-thin mustache offered his hand, “The dojo looks tremendous.”

“Thank you. You were right to suggest subleasing Spider Skull Island from the Fokkers. Thank you for brokering the deal.”

“Our Realty Division deserves all the credit. Now,” Dr. Gregor Vassilich arched his eyebrows questioningly, “on to the other matter. Is everything ready?”

Brass Bushi spoke in hushed tones, “Yes. I have been feeding Chiaki poison these past two days. Her blade has been sabotaged. There is no way she will be able to defeat me.”

“Even with your condition?” the Middleman of Meta Crime checked.

The samurai did not care to be reminded of his ailment, “I will kill Chiaki Bushido and restore my honor. Then the Society will have no choice but to reinstate me.”

Factor X was pleased, “Splendid,” he clapped the warrior on the shoulder appreciatively.

If this plan worked, X knew, he would have a satisfied customer in the ranks of the Society of Sinister Oriental Stereotypes. And that would allow him greater entrée to the Asian Market.

*****


“…. So that’s what’s happening,” Alcheman told his team as he passed around the freshly printed copies of the notes he had taken during his briefing with Akiko Masamune, “This Brass Bushi lost a duel with Chiaki, and now has brought her to Spider Skull Island in order to force her into a rematch so he may regain his face. Miss Wooster appears to have been taken to ensure compliance.”

“Dude, she cut off his face? That babe’s hardcore!” Smooth Operator extolled.

“Naw, Hatty said Chiaki’s got a code against killing or somesuch,” Trickshot noshed on his bagel, “I’m really surprised ol’ Pinkie Tuscadero ain’t getting involved in this caper herself. Seeing as how she and the Psychic Samurai are buddies an’ all.”

Alcheman scratched his head thoughtfully, “Perhaps that’s why she has been so accommodating towards us,” among other reasons, he added internally.

“Wait, Akiko Masamune, the most dangerous, ruthless, powerful crime lord in the Parodyverse, her old bodyguard doesn’t kill people?!” Bendist held up his hand, “Then what good is she?”

“A person can protect others while avoiding bloodshed. We do,” Michael sipped his coffee and went on, “Miss Masamune also detailed the island’s defenses, which are quite formidable. I’ve taken the liberty to highlight them on your pages.”

“Hey, good work, Niles. I knew you were the right guy to parlay with Akiko while the rest of us raised a ruckus in her backyard. Yer so diplomatic.”

Holotheredia Lad poked his lumpy head out from the collar of his trenchcoat to look at what he was getting himself into, “Whoa! A disintegration force field? Laser cannons? Bionically enhanced remote controlled tiger sharks?”

“Sounds like fun,” Whitney Spheris snapped her gum.

Brick House adjusted her granny glasses, “What’s this list of names, Michael?”

“Those are the Brass Bushi’s guests to the event. From the current leaders of HERPES to Molestro the Mirthless to—“

Michael stopped abruptly so that the woman coming would not overhear the specifics of their conversation. The Joy Corps were operating covertly, after all.

The smiling young waitress began to bus their table, “So, everything was OK?”

“Absolutely aces, Shep,” Carl Bastion snatched up the bill before Michael could nab it himself, “And as always, you earned yerself a most generous tip. Uh… what’s ten percent of $35.43?”

Despite the prospect of a less than ample gratuity Sarah Shepherdson managed to hold her grin in place, “And it’s good to see you, Mister Wooster. Kerry misses your class.”

“That’s always nice to hear,” Michael replied to the woman whose sister made his third period civics class a test in itself.

“Wait,” Carl Bastion looked over to the man sitting across from him, “Yer last name is Wooster?”

“Yes.”

“So, uh, Jenni’s related to you or sumpthin’?” The rest of the table grew silent. Sarah wisely left with her tray.

“She’s my sister,” Michael said gravely

The annoying archer’s eyes widened, “Ah. Really? Heh heh. Well, ahm, then all that stuff I was sayin’ before about her, about the great tug jo-“

“Was even more wildly inappropriate, yes,” the big man interrupted.

Bendist rolled his eyes and ignored the archer’s dithering and the elemental’s glowering, focusing instead of the roll of criminals had Akiko provided. C-List at best, if you excluded the Russian, but he didn’t discriminate when it came to the quality of malefactor he assisted. That made Factor X a target as well.

Ten Story Tiki…. Madame HERPES…. Origami-San… it was a Who’s Who of lame villains. Names that cried out for Vengeance.

Which, Bendist had pledged, would be his .

Next: Its fight time! Be on the look out for sunbathing beauties, cybernetic sharks, sword fights, truth serums, ninjas dropping their pants, not one but two false identities, and an incredibly sinking island. Out soon.





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